The Artie Lange Effect
Artie Lange is a funny man, a guy’s guy, a Jersey boy and fellow Boss bro. He’s also a fat, filthy pig. And I say that with peace and love. Sometimes, the truth hurts — and not everyone can handle it — especially, women.
The 47 year-old comedian found himself in a hot tub of jack-off water after tweeting a series of sexually charged “jokes” directed at a certain ESPN female TV personality. If you wish to read the salacious specifics, Lange’s perversely left them all intact on his Twitter feed. The ensuing debate of whether Artie’s comments are funny, inappropriate or lame is the wrong argument that transpired. A much larger issue exists here — and that’s the way American men continue to think and talk about sex.
No matter how mature, how respected, how dignified one man may be, his sexual thoughts and activities may shock and surprise you — if you’re a woman. Yes, I know how that sounds. And I also know how uncomfortable a topic it is for us Americans to openly discuss and acknowledge. Men’s carnal thoughts arise from nature, culture and relationships. You can say the same thing for women, with one exception. Science tells us our brains fire and wire differently. And when it comes to sex, these differentials are worlds apart. We see and respond to stimulus entirely distinct to our chromosomal composition. Our dirty little secrets are not necessarily created equal.
Coincidentally, in the very same week as Lange’s tweets, his former employer, Howard Stern, played a sexually explicit YouTube clip of a woman profusely confessing her dislike of big dicks on his Sirius show.
Stern reveled in her preference for “Team Little Dick” as he’s often admitted to being under endowed himself. Point being — we don’t often hear women publicly speak so matter-of-factly on sexual preferences and thoughts, as we do with men. America’s Judge’s sex life is no mystery to his listeners. Want to know his go to jerk-off material? It’s babysitter porn. On air, he shamefully describes, in detail, his regular mastabutory practices. He knows it’s depraved, disgusting and all too embarrassing. Yet, he still loves it and shares it. Can you imagine a country where we all spoke so boldly?
When Lange worked with Stern, the two often joked about sex and porn. Lange’s hooker stories on the show were legendary. I remember one time when the two discussed how men really think about women and sex, and that, if women knew what was actually going on inside “our heads” they would never have anything to do with us. It’s a sad confession, but a true reality. It is what it is — we are what we are. And what “we”, men, are — is pigs.
Embrace us. Forgive us. Pity us. Just please don’t ignore us.
Stern’s current media clip navigator, JD Harmeyer, is a mush-mouthed, socially awkward porn star/web-cam girl addict — at least he used to be until he scored a regular, real-life, weekend girlfriend. Stern’s phony phone call pranksters, Richard and Sal, routinely edit together foul-mouthed, sexually infused diatribes into their daily bits.
In fact, the entire Stern Show could easily be dubbed the ‘Cum and Fun’ Show. In the past, sybian rides and lesbian dating games were frequent occurrences. “Nine inches is fine”, “Let the poison out”, “Vagina Pussy” and “Droppin’ loads” have long been signature catch phrases and drop-ins on the broadcasts.
Too much female surprise, sex is not the only thing driving the Stern Show. However, as with both Stern and men, there’s a perception that sex unequivocally rules both our worlds. Well, it does and it doesn’t. You could argue sex is the most universal, underlying thing in all of us — every species on earth for that matter. Sex is at the root of everything. You can thank God, the Garden of Eden or just plain ‘ole evolution for that one. And while “everything” begins with sex, it certainly does not end there — nor does it define who we are or what we want as individuals.
Yes, men want sex. A lot of it. More than women. The simple reason is the fact most women can have sex anytime they want to, whereas most men cannot. Any thing you can have so easily, is not something you’re going to crave as much as something you’re lucky to get once in awhile. Medical studies validate this assertion as men think about sex more and more often. In fact, I don’t know any man that’s completely satisfied with his sex life. We always need more. All men are sex addicts, so goes the joke.
More than anything else, sex enables men to feel like men. Without it, we lack confidence, become frustrated, and in many cases, depressed and angered. The more we fuck — the more manly we feel — and thus, the better we feel about ourselves. When I hear guys who went to college in the 70’s tell me, “All a girl had to do was smile at you and you’d be hooking up,” I think, “Man, I wish it was that easy now.” It’s no wonder we look at 70’s men with such a masculine nostalgia — forget the mustaches, it’s cause they were having lots of sex!
Maybe, it’s time we had a candid, unfiltered conversation about sex today. And maybe, we should all thank Artie Lange for creating this necessary ground-breaking forum. Hopefully, what began with an offensive series of 140 characters or less can evolve into a much more penetrating direction. (I couldn’t resist — see where my male mind goes?)
Keep in mind, men will do practically anything if they think it will get the attention of a woman they deem desirable. Some send flowers. Others write poems. Artie went straight for outrageous filth — what he knows best. Like a catcall on a city street, we never actually believe anything we do or say will work to garner the attention of the opposite sex. But, what the hell? We have nothing to lose. So, what do we do? We do anything! Now, I’m not saying Artie was genuinely trying to reach out to this woman for a date, or otherwise, I just think, on some level, he wanted her (and us) to notice him. Why else would he include her Twitter handle in his tweets? Why else would he tweet? Social media is all about being heard. And oh by the way, Lange’s launching a regular podcast soon.
Although some of Artie’s comments came across as racist, I know him well enough to know he is not. He’s a lover of all people (as long as you’re not named A-Rod or fail to cover). Almost immediately, he publicly apologized to the ESPN woman if she felt disrespected in any way. Clearly, his attempt at humor began with his attraction to her. Now, I’m not saying I approve of what Artie originally said, but I am saying — as most men will tell you — I get it. Hell, for the record, I share many parts of Artie’s enigmatic fantasy. That woman (broad, chick, girl, lady, senorita, chica, tasty tomato, beef, dime-piece, doll-face, dame, bitch, ’ho) IS hot~! The only difference between Artie and me is that I might have first opted for some old school romance and just sent flowers….along with a funny note.
