Seinfeld — 25 years later
The show about nothing was about something…SEX!
25 years after Seinfeld premiered on Juy 5, 1989 I’m still watching. Thanks to re-runs and YouTube the show about nothing is available 24/7. This week TBS is running what it thinks are the best 25 episodes. No TV show is consistently as funny and as timeless as Seinfeld. Whether you love the Drake or hate the Drake, it still resonates today. And even though I can quote every key word, phrase and joke I truly laugh out loud watching re-runs. The series has been one of the great joys of my life. Thank you Larry David, Jerry, Jason Alexander, Michael Richards, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and all the outstanding writers and producers for 9 real and spectacular seasons.
Now about this whole “nothing” concept. That may have been the tongue-in-cheek elevator pitch Larry and Jerry came up with for the NBC brass, but I know differently. What I’m about to state has never been discussed in a public forum….
Above all else, Seinfeld was a show about two things….getting laid and trying to get laid.
From the very first episode, Jerry had a woman coming to stay with him unaware of her intentions. His intentions were clear. He wanted to sleep with her. George came up with the idea of tagging along to the airport with Jerry to pick her up so he could read her “greeting.” The greeting would reveal her intentions. Alas, she gave some sort of indecipherable one-of-a-kind greeting, never before witnessed by man that left the two dumbfounded. And so it began.
Keep in mind Seinfeld is written and acted out exclusively from the male point of view. Elaine was not in the pilot episode and was never intended to be a series regular. I’m sure the Network added her to “appeal to a female demographic.” While I think Julia is the greatest female comedic actress of my generation, she was the one character who could’ve been dropped from the cast and the show would’ve still worked. Without the three men and their plethora of salacious engagements, there’s no show.
Using my extraordinary Superman-esque encyclopedia of Seinfeld knowledge, I’m willing to bet 90% of the episodes involved getting or keeping a woman. Think about the sheer number of women Jerry alone dated/slept with/tried to sleep with. Lucky for us, the folks at uproxx.com have compiled a Herculian breakdown of every one of Jerry’s significant others. It’s an impressive feats of strength. http://uproxx.com/uncategorized/2014/03/scientific-ranking-jerrys-girlfriends-seinfeld-2/
Throughout his array of female conquests, Jerry was unabashingly self-centered, shallow and superficial. This is a man who made out with his girlfriend during Schindler’s List. He broke up with another woman because she ate her peas one at a time. (In fairness, I get it. I once dated a woman who drowned all her foods in parmesan cheese and it drove me nuts.) When a woman did break up with Jerry, which happened a fair amount, it never bothered him. He said, “It’s OK. I’ll find another one.” Tell me this isn’t a man who only cares about hooking up.
As for George, with all his inadequacies, neurosis and stocky bald looks how did he ever get any woman? In the real world, he’s a sure bet for a Tinder left swipe. Only a fictional character could procure Costanza’s copius amounts of beautiful women. From Victoria to Susan to Marisa Tomei, who boldy claimed he was just her “type”, George’s life was an overachieving wet dream. The Summer of George was shaping up to be one helluva’ summer.
Even George’s Dad, Frank, proved to be a sexual dynamo. His complete knowledge of the bra coupled with his “move” — Stopping short, were legendary.
However, only Kramer proved to be worthy of actual love with a woman. Throughout the series run, when it came to pursuits of the opposite sex, Kramer was the one who had the Korvaka. He was charming, romantic and poetic. Remember that sensitive birthday card he wrote for Elaine? Cosmo knew Yates!
What Seinfeld was most certainly not about was meaningful relationships. Elaine made that clear when she chastized Jerry for not being able to manage the relationship trifecta. Of course, I’m talking about…..
“This, that and the other.”
http://37.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lpy8e7P5G31qj9qhto1_500.gif
The only real lasting relationship between the sexes came via Elaine and David Puddy. Of course, they (Jerry and LD) gave the woman the “relationship.” If you’re thinking, wait a second, George had a serious relationship with Susan! You’d be wrong. He was duped into that because he though Jerry had made a pact with him. It was never anything he wanted. It was something he suffered through, from beginning to end.
“We had a pact!”
Still not convinced? In honor of the 25th anniversary, here’s a list of the most memorable 25 breathtaking sexual topics and situations on the show.
- Masturbation
- Contraception (Sponges & Condoms) “What is this!? A prophylactic wrapper!?”
- Fugitive sex/Conjugal visit sex/Make-up sex
- Abstinence (no sex makes you smarter)
- Virgins
- Menage-a-trois
- Fake breasts v Real breasts
- Shrinkage
- “Yo yo ma….Jane’s topless”
- Upstairs invite for a downtown SuperBowl romp
- “At midnight Coffee’s not coffee, coffee is sex.”
- “I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all of your body.”
- “Simon, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim Taft”
- Cleavage
- “Sex to save the relationship.”
- “You don’t think she’d yada yada sex?”
- Mangos (Faking it)
- Her name rhymes with a female body part
- “C’mon baby, you wanna have sex right now? Lets go!”
- Jerry’s Penis v Brain in a game of chess
- The Swirl and The Pinch
- The Gymnast and “The Comedian”
- The Office Cleaning Lady
- The Housekeeper
- Dirty talk (In the bedroom and then agan on Jerry’s recorder)
Seinfeld….a TV series about Sex….and Superman.
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Steve Matoren is sponge worthy man’s man living in Los Angeles, CA working on his life skills. When he’s not watching a Seinfeld re-run or listening to the love of his life, Bruce Springsteen, he’s writing, producing, directing, or just thinking. If you feel compelled to contact him…
email: buttsintheseats@yahoo.com
twitter: @imaliveoutthere
