Saying Goodbye to Hank Moody…
One of my all-time favorite TV shows, Showtime’s Californication, closes its 7-season run Sunday night with its series finale. David Duchovny plays Hank Moody, a commercially successful, but personally troubled writer living in Los Angeles. Sounds a lot like myself, except for the commercial successfully part. Essentially, he’s a tortured soul who just can’t seem to ever make it work with the love of his life (Karen), who’s also baby momma to his now overly philosophically mature 20-something year old daughter (Becca). To complicate his already fucked up life, the show’s creator, Tom Kapinos, dropped a previously unknown 20-something year old son (Levon) on Hank this season who literally shows up on his doorstep one day. And for good measure, his mom is the eye-pleasing and man-part stimulating Heather Graham, who had a fling with Hank right before he began dating Karen. But none of that is why I will miss Mr. Moody.
Hank is man’s man. A bro. A guy, woman want to be with and men want to be. No disrespect to Jerry McGuire, or to Cameron Crowe who coined that iconic memorializing prose, Hank is my guy. Despite his many flaws which include drinking too much, smoking too much, womanizing too much, self-loathing and some anger issues, Hank is one cool dude. He’s charming, witty, good-looking, confident, funny, self-deprecating and can banter with the best of ‘em. He poetically crafts words together like “man parts” and “I may be easy, but I am not sleazy.” He’s banged more beautiful women than any other TV character did and probably ever will. Among his prolific belt notches are Roller Girl, the Dean’s Wife, a Teaching Assistant (his), a Moonlighting Stripper Student (his), Sasha Bingham (and her Mother), a Rapper’s Girlfriend and an Underage Temptress, who seduced him, and then punched him in the face while he was inside her…which, oh by the way, inspired another best selling novel, “Fucking and Punching.” Naturally, he also fucked his smoking hot Attorney (Carla Gugino) in his alleged rape case. His first best seller was called “God Hates Us All.” Upon finishing a manuscript he says, “Every time I finish a book, it’s Whiskey, Weed and Warren Zevon…it’s the little things.” He keeps it all in perspective.
Hank’s a great writer with a greater heart. He lives for the moment and loves to live…when he’s not feeling sorry for himself. He’s a romantic dreamer. He’s a man of his principle. He’d make James Lipton blush with his endearing trademark cry, “Mothafuckaaaaa.” He affectionately dubbed his best friend’s girl, Cokey Smurf because of her once enthusiastic fondness for the white stuff and for her sexy diminutive size. Said best friend is Runkle, his more severely disturbed masturbating agent who’s fucked his Assistant, his Boss and his Nanny. Hank loves him. Hank always speaks his mind. He means what he says and says what he means. Hank Moody is a truth teller.
So long my best TV friend. Take care of yourself Hank Moody. I’ll miss you bro.
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With the pending passing of Hank Moody, I started thinking about other leading TV men who shared similar traits. Spoiler alert…it’s a short list. Any celebration of TV men must begin with the original TV man’s man, Arthur Fonzerelli from Happy Days. Fonzie defined cool first. He talked, walked and acted cool. He wore cool clothes, drove a cool motorcycle and got the coolest girls. Next up is Cheers’s Sam Malone. If a dog is a man’s best friend, then a bartender is his second, especially when he’s an ex-jock Corvette driving cocksman as smooth as Sammy. Rounding out the group is Married with Children’s Al Bundy. Al is the epitome of the everyman. The guy you want to drink with, take in a ballgame with and bitch about all the injustices of the world with…He’ll also be the first to raise a glass when a beautiful woman passes you by.
Here’s to the ultimate fictional foursome of TV manliness. A balls out breakdown of a quartet of solid rock star dudes…
Occupation: Car Mechanic
Office: The Garage. The Bathroom.
Known for: Banging the Jukebox and the Wall.
Getting Girls. Jumping the Shark.
Best Bro: Richie Cunningham
“Sit on it.” “Woahh.”
Signature look: Leather Jacket. White T. Tight Blue Jeans. Perfect Hair.
Drink: Glass of milk from Mrs C.
Music: Bill Haley and the Comets, Buddy Holly, Elvis.
Craziest Moment: Jumping the Shark (on water skis)
Biggest notch in his belt: Pinky Tuscadero (Roz Kelly)
Quote: “Be cool.”
Tortured Soul: Loved a lot of different girls, but never did find “the one.”
Office: The Bar. The Back Office. The Bedroom.
Known for: Pitching for the Boston Red Sox.
Drinking. Womanizing. His ’Lil Black Book.
Best Bro: Coach/Woody
Catchphrase: Didn’t have one, but others did… “MayDay” and “Sammy! Sammy! Sammy!”
Signature look: Perfect Hair.
Drink: Bottled Water.
Music: Queen’s “We Will Rock You”
Craziest Moment: The episode where Sam desperately moved from house to house looking for some shut eye.
Biggest notch in his belt: After years of failed attempts, he finally bedded Rebecca Howe.
Quote: “Do me a favor here, Woody. Hold down the fort while I pass that lady a tray of smoked SAMMY.”
“OK, I admit it. I’m not a sad guy, I’m a happy, horny guy.”
Tortured Soul: First love (Diane) left him, 2nd love (Rebecca) left him.
Occupation: Shoe Salesman
Office: The Bathroom.
Known for: Scoring 4 touchdowns in a single high school football game. Founding member of the organization, No Ma’am.
Best Bro: Jefferson
Catchphrase: “Whoa Bundy.” “Go away Peg.”
Signature look: Hand down his pants.
Vehicle: Dodge Dart
Music: George Thorogood “Bad to the Bone”
Craziest Moment: Bartending and dancing for crazed woman
Biggest notch in his belt: Sandy Jorgenson
Quote: “Women, you can’t live with them…the end.”
“Pretty woman make us buy beer. Ugly women make us drink beer.”
“Where bucks are enough to see their stuff, at the nudie bar.”
Tortured Soul: Wants more from life, but knows it’s not possible.
Office: New York City/Venice, CA.
Known for: Best selling books “God Hates Us All” and “Fucking & Punching”
Best Bro: Runkle
Signature look: Black T, Dark Jeans, Just rolled out of bed.
Vehicle: Convertible Porsche
Music: Warren Zevon’s “Keep Me in Your Heart”
Craziest Moment: Going down on a woman he thought was his girlfriend (Karen) but alas, she was not. His Student, his Teaching Assistant and the Dean’s Wife all show up to his house, one at a time, wanting to seduce him in the same morning.
Biggest notch in his belt: So many to choose from…Sasha Bingham/RollerGirl/Student Stripper/Trixie/Faith…..pick one…pick ‘em all.
Quote: “At the end of the day, it’s all about her. It’s always been about her.”
“What, there’s no bodily functions at the Deanery? Just catered affairs?
“A morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness.”
“Do you think the ladies have gone too far with the sex-positive feminism? I mean, I know they all say they’re down with the pornography and the shaved pudenda and whatnot, but do we really think that this is the path to liberation?”
Tortured Soul: Can’t seem to make it work the love of his life, Karen.
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Steve Matoren is a man’s man living in Los Angeles, CA working on his life skills. When he’s not listening to the love of his life, Bruce Springsteen, he’s writing, producing, directing, or just thinking. If you feel compelled to contact him…